Beam me up please

When you drive a car you can pretend you are James Bond.

If you take the train you can pretend you are James Bond and enjoy a martini, if you take your bike you're not James but at least you are healthy, if you take the bus, well lets ignore that option for now.

I am sure there was a time when flying was an 007 experience as well, a time when it was exclusive and expensive. You could breeze through the terminal, no security, terrorists couldn't afford to fly back then.

You would sit waiting for the flight to be called and have someone serve you things.

On board the experience would continue, a pretty young deferential stewardess would serve you a gin & tonic, hot food and after your meal you would walk to the bar, light up a cigarette and discuss the state of the empire with your fellow travelers.

Today the flying option is shit.

Yes it is very convenient, it can be very cheap and is probably the most efficient method to get from A-B but the experience from entering the terminal to exiting the other side is one which I would happily consign to the past, a Spanish inquisition or an hour with Jack Bauer.

If someone invents instantaneous travel I will be very happy. I will vote for him, I will happily pay her double, no triple, the current cost of the journey. I will make sure this person is knighted and will probably be found sporting a tattoo of his/her name on a very personal part of my body.

To say I would be happy would be an understatement.

Anyone who has seen the film The Fly will probably laugh and then in dark tones point out the risks of becoming part man/fly/pizza/whatever is sitting in my pod before I transport.

Humour me for a moment though and consider these two alternative scenarios:

The alarm sounds and you surface, softly, to feel the cool morning breeze on your toned muscled body. As you sit up and stretch, your wife stretches out a slender arm and strokes your back, her body is covered partially by the sheets. You stand up and she sits up revealing herself to you, smiling she sleepily whispers that she loves you then descends back to her sleep.

You shave quickly and easily, Gillette style and finish your morning routine quietly. A sharp shirt, suit and shoes and you are ready to go.

Before you do through you stop off at the kids room, you kiss your daughter and pull the blanket back over your son, smiling as you leave the room.

Downstairs you make and drink your espresso quickly as your meeting is starting in 10mins.
Ready to leave you pick up your briefcase and step into a cupboard next to the front door and exit the other side…in the Paris office.

Today's reality involves a 4am alarm call coupled with some seriously foul language from your wife. The razor hurts and cuts and the coffee machine is too noisy to use at such an ungodly hour.
The first train chugs its way slowly to the airport, they use the old rolling stock for this journey. The airport is busy and hot, security slow and intrusive – by the time you have reached the gate your perfectly pressed shirt is grimy and bunched up.

Even if you take off on time you are guaranteed a delay on arrival and after 20mins circling somewhere on the outskirts of Paris you land at Charles de Gaul airport where the real fun begins.

Somewhere between 1 and 2 hours after landing you walk into the office, dirty, tired, pissed off and wondering why the fuck we thought it was a good idea to liberate this country 65 years ago.

Which one would you prefer?

Now understand the second scenario is repeated thousands of times every single day - do you still consider me crazy?

Even when we overcome the fly issue there are still some minor laws of physics to overcome but surely if we can put a man on the moon……

I propose a solution:

Air travel is the biggest contributor to climate change.....probably. Divert all of the funds pouring into research for climate change into research towards instantaneous travel. With such focus from the worlds sharpest minds I have no doubt I will be zipping around Captain Kirk style in no time at all.

Not only will we remove a major contributor to pollution, allow millions of people to have a longer lie in and shave better but we will also put CDG out of business.

A definite win, win, win, win solution in my book.

University of Life

I washed my car today.

Properly washed it that is, with a bucket, sponge and some elbow grease. I cannot remember the last time I did this, I don't think I have ever done it to our current car. As I approached the poor thing it nervously eyed the alien-hose-thing as if I was about to subject it to a form of auto-enema.

So that's at least 3 years - probably much longer as I don't remember handing my old car back clean.

We, of course, do wash our car but this is normally performed at the filling station, once every 3 months, a Sunday afternoon, sat there, windows tight shut as program # 5 runs its course. The end result is the same - a clean car, but there is a certain satisfaction gained from doing it yourself. Can you remember the last time you exited a car wash, stopped, got out and stood there admiring the work of the robo-cleaning-garage thing?

It was this satisfaction which has lead me to the conclusion that I am slowly going soft.

My world is now so full of labour saving devices and people that I now don't have to worry about such trivial things as cleaning the car, ironing my shirts, cleaning the house, fixing the house, booking my travel, I even have a 6 month old who does my sleep for me. When was the last time you wrote a letter, by hand? Even writing a postcard is a pain, and there’s only 5cm² to fill in!

I finished my masters degree last year, a 3 year program and the climax of each year was a set of exams. Normally 3 hours in duration each and there was 5 exams a year. For the exam you are allowed to bring into the exam a pen and a calculator, nothing else.

Imagine if you will how terrifying a prospect this is - no spell check, no goal seek, nothing to refer to other than your brain. Believe me after 3 hours of writing my wrist ached like I was 13 years old again and I shudder to think what the marker thought of my writing or spelling.

Yes I am going soft.

Ok I accept I was never going to be a workhorse, Boxer from Animal Farm. Physically I was not built to toil the fields but I have done my share. It’s been a while though since I have sweated, through physical exertion, to earn my living.

Finance is not a career which requires much physical ability, it does require ability, but none that would help me should I find myself challenged to a wood chopping competition. No, finance requires other skills, number one being common sense.

Yes you need the qualifications.
Yes you need to understand the rules.
Yes you need to understand the regulations.
Yes you need to know the fundamentals.

But beyond this it is simple honest common sense.

We use lingo, acronyms and financial mazes to create a smarter-than-you smokescreen but blow it away and if you have good common sense and know the fundamentals its a fairly easy profession.

The University of Life folks will never know this though, it takes a bit of determination and wherewithal to find this out. That's a small hurdle to overcome to find this truth out and I would argue, brain surgeons, fighter pilots and grand master chess champions aside, that most professions are similar. Not all require qulifications but they all require common sense and hard work.

One day the our cover will be blown, everyone will jump on the bandwagon and salaries will fall through the floor. Until that time though, I will continue to earn my money avoiding calluses along the way and perhaps take up something more manly in my spare time – taekwondo?.

Or I might just wash the car more.

Won't Get Fooled Again

I was raised by a toothless bearded hag.

I was schooled with a strap right across my back.

But its aaaaaaall right now, in fact it's a gas.

Now that's how it should be, some steel in the spine, the Dunkirk spirit.

That's how empires were built, countries conquered, penal colonies established and Who wants to be a Millionaire? exported.

On one hand I read about the bravery being shown by the young men and women overseas and on the other I read about the winging and the militancy which is again raising its ugly head in the UK and I struggle reconcile the two.

If it didn't affect me directly I would probably have a more aggressive opinion on the whole thing, more Thatcherite in tone.

But as of today Sunday 21st March I still am not sure how I will return home next weekend and just want a resolution, whatever that is.

I am, as always, booked to travel with British Airways next weekend and in their infinite wisdom the Unite union have decide to strike this weekend and the next affecting mine and a lot of other peoples travel plans.

Just sort it out, please.

My childhood was spent in the 70`s and 80`s, two decades of intense militancy.
The teacher strikes and the miner strikes, two which I remember clearly but there were more, lots more. Everyone was striking, everyone had something to complain about, everyone was the victim of the management.

Two decades on thanks to Thatcher the British unions are a shadow of what they were 20 years ago but they can still be disruptive, even for a non-UK resident like myself.

But is there a place for a Union in today’s day and age? It will come as no surprise to you that I don't think so.

Working practices are not quite as Dickensian as they once were. Health and safety, minimum wages, working conditions are all covered by legislation and the Unions are now left arguing over the scraps of pay, conditions and trying to tell management how to run a business.

If BA wants to freeze pay, reduce services and costs then why is this anyone’s concern other than BAs? If the staff don't want to work under the new conditions they are free to seek other employment elsewhere – I am sure Ryanair or Easyjet will happily explain to them the realities of the world as it exists today.

Reciprocally, if they are in fact right and the services decline then customers will not hesitate in telling Willie Walsh and the rest of the management quickly and directly. Surely the fare paying customer are the ones to decide if they are right or wrong, not the Union?

In my right of center, private sector, management, humble opinion there is no place for a union in the modern world, none whatsoever. Thatcher for all her faults knew this and I concur.

“The staff and Union take no pleasure in this action” . This apparent somberness was notably absent when they voted to strike for 12 days over the Christmas period last year and the scenes of jubilation did nothing to further their cause. I shudder to think what would have occurred had they gone ahead with the proposed strike.

This time they have said that they will not strike over Easter, thanks a lot Unite.

Is the fact this is an election year and Unite are a major contributor to the Labour party a coincidence? I don't think so and am happy to see, at least in public, the government condemning the strike.

I would imagine behind the scenes they are getting their money’s worth from their “friends” in Westminster and this is what worries me about our current labour government. The radical left winger Michael Foot might have passed away recently but his politics still form the foundations of the current labour government. Like permafrost it remains and I see this current action as a last gasp attempt by the Unions to eek out something before it is too late.

Give it a few months and the political landscape will have changed dramatically.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Not this time.

Help me I`m helpless

Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like competition in Monte Carlo during the 20s….he finished third.

This was quoted to me in the context of being yourself. Crap huh?
Good story but as an analogy doesn't really work except for showing how stupid the French can be and like we really needed help figuring that one out.

Self help books are shit. Self indulgent, anti-climatic and a waste of time. I am old enough to have no shame in admitting I have, on occasion, dabbled in the solitary pursuit of happiness through an airport paperback over the years.

Double your income in a month!!!!
Who wouldn't be tempted, its only £7.99 and its an Airport Exclusive?

I know it's a slight diversion but I don't understand the term “Airport Exclusive”. Does that actually mean its only sold at airports? Why on earth would a publisher want to do that? The only logical reason is that the book is crap. So crap only a knackered, half drunk, business person staggering around an antiseptic, wipe clean environment bored out of their skulls would be even slightly attracted to its title.

Double your income in a month!!!
Yes please and before you know it you are £7.99 poorer. Slightly poorer yes, but very soon, a month to be precise, you will be much richer. You have the secret in your hand, the secret only airport people know about. It doesn't work for bus people, apparently.

The book is secreted away, hidden next to your porn mags and hemorrhoid cream as your late night flight is called. Somewhere between drinks being served and the 10min call is ping`d you quietly pull the book from your bag, carefully, so as not to attract your fellow passengers attention. It has a cheap printed feel, not quite the quality it appeared to have on the shelf but that doesn't matter given the inherent value contained within.

And here is the rub - what it contains. Precisely nothing, without even knowing if such a book exists I am sure it would contain nuggets along the lines of:

-Don't focus on money ­- focus on self happiness.
-There is power in positive thinking
-Get a job which pays twice your current salary in the next 30 days.

Great.

I guess the Secrets of finding the perfect man offers something along the lines of – look up Brad Pitt and make him fall in love with you. Perfect thank you.

I have a great idea which will make me trillions overnight. Start selling cars which fly, all I need to do is work out how to make a car fly and I am there, simple.

They are selling a lie, pure and simple - the Emperor has no clothes.

Its funny though, the act of purchasing the book is therapeutic in itself. I am going to take charge of my roadcrash life and turn it around thanks to this purchase – reading it and adopting the intrusive steps is never going to happen - it's the intent behind the purchase. Same as buying a gym membership.

I am going to make a million overnight. No need for a book to help me with this, no need for clever metaphors, analogies or tenuously linked anecdotes.

I am going to start printing laminated cards (Posi-cards ©) with good positive statements of intent on them and sell them at airports, bus stations, divorce courts, outside fancy gyms or at weight watcher meetings.

Every time you start feeling down, just quietly take your card out, read it, agree with it and you will instantly feel better.

You will still be fat, poor, ugly, have a small penis, shit car or be a crap lover but you now plan to do something about it.

All this happiness and only for the exclusive, bargain price of £4.99.

Brass Eye

So Geert Wilders will arrive in the UK tomorrow.

I look forward to hearing the condemnation coming from every major political party. Each will line up in order of their electability to distance themselves from his views. Each will denounce him and throw as much mud as it takes to ensure none of his "offensive" utterings land anywhere near them.

Good Lord it is after all an election year remember.

He should be banned from the UK.

He should not be given any right to speak in this country.

He should be burned at the stake!

He should get a haircut.

Should he?

Yes on the haircut front definitely, only Boris Johnson is more in need of a makeover but like Boris his soundbites are certainly worth a listen.

He has publically compared the Koran to Mein Kampf.

He has said that Islam is the Trojan horse of Europe.

He has commissioned and published a film, “Fitna” which suggests that the Koran motivates its followers to among other things - acts of terrorism, antisemitism, violence against women, violence and subjegation of infidels and against homosexuals and Islamic universalism.

Ok so most of us would agree his politics are questionable to say the lease and he probably has some form of deathwish but it doesent disguise the fact he is an elected member of parliament from a bona-fide card carrying European union member.

Freedom of speech is the freedom to speak without censorship and/or limitation so why wouldn't this apply to Geert?

Could it be because of his views on Islam?

Have a read of his speech against the PVDA the Dutch Labour party and then tell me you don't start warming to this man.

http://www.geertwilders.nl/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1661&Itemid=1

If I didnt know any better I would believe he was a character from Brass Eye but he is not, he is actually real

Now why couldnt our own version, Nick Griffin, be more like Geert?