Sunday, March 3, 2013

DNA

Augustus the strong was the king of Poland. A long time ago.

As his name would indicate he was a big guy. He was so big and strong he would break horseshoes with his bare hands just for fun. Now, even knowing that Polish horseshoes are rubbish and easier to break than the British equivalent, this is still fairly strong.

He was also the world champion at fox throwing.

Fox throwing is a sport which has long since dropped off the Olympic schedule but in long time ago Poland it was hugely popular. It was their version of football and Augustus was the best. He was their Cristiano Ronaldo. He was also the king, good looking and judging from some of the paintings of him as metrosexual as the modern day equivalent.

He could also throw a fox down a field further than anyone else.

Yes, Augustus was very very strong.

Now before you get a bee in your hand knitted hemp bonnet and start screaming that such a sport shouldn’t be celebrated or that this was horribly cruel to the poor cuddly foxes. You should know foxes back then were a very different breed to the modern version. They were much less cuddly, bigger, tougher and, according to contemporary records, actually quite enjoyed being thrown.

So there. All good.

Augustus also knew there was a big difference between foxes and kings and for a long time most people agreed with him.

Then along came a man called Charles Darwin. He went on a cruise and developed a theory. Ever since naturalists have been telling us we are basically just the same as our dung eating or furry, fly through the air, relatives. Flesh, blood, live, die, eat, sleep – we are just the same.

We are separated by the tiniest, smallest, smaller than the smallest thing you have ever seen, piece of DNA. We have a ‘C’ whereas a gorilla has a ‘D’ or something like that. Change my C to a D and I will instantly be dragging my hairy knuckles in the mountains of Rwanda and eating nits from my partners head.

But I don’t buy it.

I think it’s just another scientific discovery which can’t be proved either way. Draw something with unintellible symbols and it must be true right?

Nope.

Let’s look at the evidence out there and when I say evidence I mean evidence I can actually see and understand. Not some computer generated spiral helter skelter thingy with letters stuck to it. That’s not evidence, that’s just CGI.

Dolphin DNA discovered to be very similar to humans reads the headline.

How can this be? How can any sensible thinking person actually read this nod thoughtfully and think ‘hmm, yes makes sense’.

They are fish!

Yes fish, the kind of slippy wet animal with flippers, fins and other fishy type things sticking out.

I look nothing like a fish so how on earth can you say that I am almost 98% fish? Without even bothering to delve deeper into the scientific study and so called evidence underpinning the headline I know it’s rubbish.

The easy way to tell is to look and ask the simple question; does it even vaguely look like a human?

I don’t look like a dolphin, a giraffe, a pig or a giant spider crab so please don’t insult my intelligence by trying to persuade me otherwise.

The BBC took another angle on this last week with an article on the sexual perversions of our animal ‘cousins’. Apart from being a thinly veiled excuse to write golden showers, group sex or cross dressing on their normally staid and sober website it also attempted to prove we are not that far removed from the jungle floor based on some unique and similar sexual proclivities.

Take the giraffe as an example. Apparently male giraffes sample the urine of female giraffes to gauge how good a mate they will be. The BBC has taken this and said look there are some obscure and borderline illegal German websites out there doing the same, so we are not that different.

No BBC, we are, very, very, different. Well I sincerely hope the vast majority of us are anyway.

Snakes engage in group sex, monkeys masturbate, wombats look like they are wearing gimp masks and so the article goes on.

I would be more likely to believe a young earth argument than I am to believe that animals have similar perversions or vice versa.

No, I prescribe to the theory, my theory, that animals are animals and humans are significantly different.

I’m not saying we are better but we are bloody different.

We invented cars, airplanes, houses, dishwashers, lasers, diet coke and the internet. Show me one thing, and I mean one simple little thing any animal other than a human being has invented.
Note: Wool, leather and steak don’t count.

If you don’t believe me, if this blog hasn’t managed to change your mind then next time you find yourself stranded in a cave, high up in the Andes, try asking a passing Llama help.

A human would help you, a passing human being, one possessing 100% human DNA that is, would in such a situation be very useful indeed.

A Llama which possesses 97% human so called ‘DNA’ will most likely look at you, chew some grass and perhaps helpfully urinate in your direction before plodding on.

Augustus the strong for all his wardrobe and sporting issues knew the difference.

And, regardless what Charles Darwin and DNA tells me, so do I.